Hello long time no speak,
I’m currently writing this at 10.00pm lying in bed. Anxiety. Worry. Fear. Three words that haunt us all. Now, I wouldn’t consider myself to be totally and utterly depressed at all, not by a long stretch! I have many a good hour especially when I am up and about and busy with life, but when I have time to think, boom!, there is that horrible feeling deep inside me. It’s almost like, oh its hard to describe, a feeling of guilt, fear and panic all mixed in to one to create a massive messy concoction. I would not say it takes over my life but it has a firm grip on it, and no matter how many times I tell myself to stop being stupid or it will be okay never helps. Point one: fear and anxiety are never stupid, if it scares you then that is just your little foible and that is okay. But the main thing to remember is you got this! Easier said than done, but the fact that you have got this far in life means that every time this has happened you have got through it, and guess what, that scary voice inside you is going to be defeated once again by your very own self.
Point two don’t hide it! That’s definitely something that I have done. It eats away at you, it is horrendous! But just by telling at least one person you trust makes all the difference, even if you do not want to talk to them about it just telling them takes a heavy weight off you. But talk to people, tell them how you feel, describe that deep fear, that pit of anxiety, that voice that tells you horrible things. Nothing about how you feel is wrong or crazy it is just you, but you do not have to have that fear! It is not easy, trust me, no matter how many times I tell people, tell myself that I’ll be okay and pray, I still get attacked by that monster but it is getting better. Take small steps, I do not mean literally walking obviously, trust that whatever happens you are breathing and people love you. Anxiety is not something that you can click your fingers and is gone in a mere instance, it takes time to get back to that self belief and trust. For me it feels like I am on a balance that could tip either way at any minute, ey forget that any second, like the flick of a switch but it is about finding the things that tip the balance to the good. Do not feed the monster and let it weigh you down, starve him of your fear and it will soon die. Remove yourself from a situation that makes you feel anxious, not in defeat but in the knowledge that you will not be scared and come back to it when you are ready to go full throttle into it with no fear! For example, yesterday I was sat on my own upstairs and it hit me as hard a gale force winds so I simply brought myself down to the kitchen were my family where and instantly I felt a bit better, it was still there but not half as much: me-1, anxiety monster-nil! It is about the little victories!
Now anxiety is often not something you can always see in people, I bet you most people I meet would not have a clue that I had millions of fears inside me! I like to think I come across as a carefree person that loves every second of life! And to be honest that is me, but there is often something more beneath the surface of us all! Remember everyone you meet is fighting their own battle. Basically what I am trying to rely to you is don’t judge people by how they appear, be sensitive to people, care for them even if you don’t have a single clue what they are going through because I am very sure they will be eternally grateful for your kindness.
My main piece of advice would be find the things that make you feel happy! I would say listening to Christmas music in September is okay if it makes you feel good! Another would be to sleep! Anxiety often hits the hardest when we are exhausted. Breathe, tell yourself it will all be okay, listen to every breath, you are alive, it is wonderful! Drink water, cleanse your body, be kind to it! But still eat what you enjoy, chocolate and cake that is okay! If you believe you can, guess what… You will!
Kick that monster in the butt because you have got this! I am writing this to prove to myself that I can do this and also to you my darling! Start today, love yourself. Again, easier said than done, I am always comparing myself to others; oh she is thinner, she is more beautiful, boys will not like me because I have dark hairs on my arms and I do not have a toned body but you gotta be yourself! Eh why? BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO WIN AT LIFE AND I KNOW IT! It will not become easy in a second or a week or maybe even a year but keep trying because one day you will make it through the storm!
Lots of love